I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
