Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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