does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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