my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
