I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Everclear isn't food dammit
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
