My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize