his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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