Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
smell my finger.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
