when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
