FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
