I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
