Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
