i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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