I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize