i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
