I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
