where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You're earring is so big in my mouth
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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