she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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