Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think we might need a safe word for this...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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