He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
