dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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