is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
