i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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