Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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