just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
