Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We just shotgunned beers for America
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
