I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
