I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
