I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
