Im at strip club and am horny
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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