I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
