i was born a porn star she said
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
