Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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