My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize