its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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