So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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