I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
