look no pants
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
