so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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