dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
