I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
