I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
