So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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