i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
