I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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