I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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