i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
