I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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