I haven't been this sober since birth.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
