if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
