Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
