Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
