I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
