You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just want to make out with him forever
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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