Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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