what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
