tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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