just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
