They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
